I think that everyone who’s really interested in knowing what a woman wants - really wants - they have to be willing to listen. And that’s where most people (mostly men) fail. Because they make approximations, and try to fit their desire in the woman’s needs, not really understanding that they aren’t part of the answer, at least not directly.
I found the most deep conversations and connections with women when I was fully present, really seeing them as human being and not as just women. Not just as a gender and a reflection of what she should want.
Exactly. The willingness to listen is honestly the biggest and most important part — you have to be present (even for yourself) to understand your own desires that are fundamental to you (or other women) and they’re usually not entirely gendered. Such excellent points, thank you so much!!!!
Y'all might like Harville Hendrix books, esp "Getting the Love You Want," which is all about reflective listening (takes two to tango, though). Very useful in communication skills department.
"The answer, as it turns out, is not unknowable. It’s just sprawling. Tangled. Gorgeous in its contradictions. Sometimes aching. Often specific. Always real." - so beautifully written, always in love w ur style of writing
Hi, I read this last night and I've been thinking about deeply - thank you for putting your thoughts and your words together in such a lovely way 💕 I'm curious about the quote you mentioned, the one where alie ward states that women want to be seen by who they're attracted to, could you point me to where I might find it? I would be very grateful, thank you! 🌟
Hi! Thank you soooo much for your kind words and for reading my work!
Re the quote “Women arent attracted to men. They’re attracted to the specific men they want to be seen by,” I actually paraphrased Alie!
It’s not a direct quote from her (more something I came up with) based on her concept and experience with men from a podcast episode on Ologies (Neuroendicrinology (Sex & Gender)) with Daniel Pfau! I hope this is helpful :) x x
I think the way you ended this was perfect. Women want. That's the end of the sentence.
If you were to ask me, "What do women want?" My honest answer is, it depends entirely on the day. And even the hour. It depends on what is inside her head at the moment.
Which, a) is a huge pain in the ass for men to figure out, but b) it's our job to try anyway.
Will we ever figure it out completely? Not a chance. But a good man is complex enough and persistent enough to try.
I love your point about understanding. Women's desires are too big to fit inside the nice, neat, orderly filing cabinet of male understanding. And that's what drives men crazy. (Myself included.)
Men's worst sin is that they want to understand women. What they really ought to be trying is to play with them. To keep up with their desires. You can mostly keep up with a woman's desires even if you don't understand them. And men can either hate that, or try anyway. Those are the options.
Appreciate this, Justin!!! especially “it’s our job to try anyway.” There’s something oddly sweet about that framing. Your whole comment, really! And yes, the point isn’t necessarily to understand in a taxonomic way - it’s to stay present and curious. Thanks for reading :) so glad you liked the ending. The wanting continues!
Hahah this made me laugh ! Definitely not a comprehensive list of men and their thoughts on what women want (which is, incidentally, a whole host of things - like all humans regardless of gender !), but also definitely eye opening … and THANK YOU for reading my piece!!! X x
Hi! Yes, you’re dead right - unfortunately, was only able to interview the very specific age demographic for this piece (and my focus in general is on the age period between 24-34) … but absolutely people older than 34 would have great insight !
Gah THANK YOU!!! Yes, exactly - desire for the sake of it is one of the most important and powerful things we can actively choose to have as women… you literally distilled the whole essay into six words, you are so incredibly intelligent x x
For me, this thrums, politely and in-your-face, under all the wants:
"To translate their [women's) want into something legible and pleasing—to men, to culture, to the cracked mirror of societal expectation."
"...to the cracked mirror of societal expectation" where, even when we don't want to, when we are firmly walking away from that mirror, we can't help looking over our shoulders.
You are so, so right about this!!! So well put, thank you! Even if we consciously choose to walk away from that cracked mirror, there’s a certain level of acceptance we should have that we might still think about it and might still want to get a glimpse of ourselves in it (and, you know, I think that’s okay bc it’s so so human)
As someone who keeps referring to that exact scene in fleabag to explain my current mental state, this was a delightful read and had me feeling a little less alone
Ok omg thank you so much for getting the vision… literally think about that monologue all the time (clearly) and tbh it was the catalyst for this whole essay lol
I only found you today but I adore your writing style! I am glad to be able to read your works! This was a great read! I hope you have a nice day/ evening
This was a phenominal article! I found especially the idea with the interview incredibly interesting. In combination with your writing style, it was so refreshing!
This is fascinating, because the men are not that far off and the women themselves don’t know but it jumps off the page to me-
To be validated as a person. To be identified with more than their parts.
In other words, take “Rachel.”
She does want everything you have said and more. But at the core of it all, at the gooey center that very few people see-
Rachel wants somebody who wants RACHEL.
She doesn’t want a man to love pieces of her.
“Why do you love me, baby?”
Not because you’re pretty.
Not because you’re sexy.
Not because you’re easy.
Not because you’re too much.
Not because you’re kinky.
Not because you’re a good mom.
Not because you’re a dominatrix.
Not because you are good at crafts..
I want you because YOU Rachel, the whole of you is everything I could ever dream of, and the whole of you, all of you, is precious.
Now we have to live that claim out every day by presence. By patience. By gentleness. By listening. Sometimes by giving you what you need and not what you want. By leading. By playing. By showing in every interaction with you we are not dealing with pieces of a woman or aspects of a woman or ideals of a woman, but THIS woman is the one I love!
Validation. Recognition. Acceptance. Freedom.
And it can only all come together through a relationship in which there is mutual trust and hearts poured out into one another in word and action.
I think that everyone who’s really interested in knowing what a woman wants - really wants - they have to be willing to listen. And that’s where most people (mostly men) fail. Because they make approximations, and try to fit their desire in the woman’s needs, not really understanding that they aren’t part of the answer, at least not directly.
I found the most deep conversations and connections with women when I was fully present, really seeing them as human being and not as just women. Not just as a gender and a reflection of what she should want.
Exactly. The willingness to listen is honestly the biggest and most important part — you have to be present (even for yourself) to understand your own desires that are fundamental to you (or other women) and they’re usually not entirely gendered. Such excellent points, thank you so much!!!!
Y'all might like Harville Hendrix books, esp "Getting the Love You Want," which is all about reflective listening (takes two to tango, though). Very useful in communication skills department.
"The answer, as it turns out, is not unknowable. It’s just sprawling. Tangled. Gorgeous in its contradictions. Sometimes aching. Often specific. Always real." - so beautifully written, always in love w ur style of writing
Omg, thank you so much for reading !!! This really means so much to me, eeeeek x x
Women want to be women by their terms. Be woman you want to be and don't let others mold you and shape you to their liking.
So unbelievably true, wow, YES!! Women want to be women on their own terms!!!! Well put, thank you for sharing this x x
So so well written! Can't wait to read more of what you've written ❤️
Thank you so so much!! That you enjoyed the piece and my work means so so much to me x x
Hi, I read this last night and I've been thinking about deeply - thank you for putting your thoughts and your words together in such a lovely way 💕 I'm curious about the quote you mentioned, the one where alie ward states that women want to be seen by who they're attracted to, could you point me to where I might find it? I would be very grateful, thank you! 🌟
Hi! Thank you soooo much for your kind words and for reading my work!
Re the quote “Women arent attracted to men. They’re attracted to the specific men they want to be seen by,” I actually paraphrased Alie!
It’s not a direct quote from her (more something I came up with) based on her concept and experience with men from a podcast episode on Ologies (Neuroendicrinology (Sex & Gender)) with Daniel Pfau! I hope this is helpful :) x x
I think the way you ended this was perfect. Women want. That's the end of the sentence.
If you were to ask me, "What do women want?" My honest answer is, it depends entirely on the day. And even the hour. It depends on what is inside her head at the moment.
Which, a) is a huge pain in the ass for men to figure out, but b) it's our job to try anyway.
Will we ever figure it out completely? Not a chance. But a good man is complex enough and persistent enough to try.
I love your point about understanding. Women's desires are too big to fit inside the nice, neat, orderly filing cabinet of male understanding. And that's what drives men crazy. (Myself included.)
Men's worst sin is that they want to understand women. What they really ought to be trying is to play with them. To keep up with their desires. You can mostly keep up with a woman's desires even if you don't understand them. And men can either hate that, or try anyway. Those are the options.
Appreciate this, Justin!!! especially “it’s our job to try anyway.” There’s something oddly sweet about that framing. Your whole comment, really! And yes, the point isn’t necessarily to understand in a taxonomic way - it’s to stay present and curious. Thanks for reading :) so glad you liked the ending. The wanting continues!
Ohhh, I KNOW what women want! Uhh wait… what is it that you all want? I’ll shut up and listen. This was great read, thank you.
Hahah this made me laugh ! Definitely not a comprehensive list of men and their thoughts on what women want (which is, incidentally, a whole host of things - like all humans regardless of gender !), but also definitely eye opening … and THANK YOU for reading my piece!!! X x
Great read! You didn’t ask anyone over 34…Don’t you think interviewing those with wisdom and experience would be appropriate?
Hi! Yes, you’re dead right - unfortunately, was only able to interview the very specific age demographic for this piece (and my focus in general is on the age period between 24-34) … but absolutely people older than 34 would have great insight !
Wow. Thank you for your service 🫡
Hahah thank you 🫡 someone had to do the field work and I’m very happy that someone could be me lol
Delicious as per. Desire for the sake of it <3
Gah THANK YOU!!! Yes, exactly - desire for the sake of it is one of the most important and powerful things we can actively choose to have as women… you literally distilled the whole essay into six words, you are so incredibly intelligent x x
For me, this thrums, politely and in-your-face, under all the wants:
"To translate their [women's) want into something legible and pleasing—to men, to culture, to the cracked mirror of societal expectation."
"...to the cracked mirror of societal expectation" where, even when we don't want to, when we are firmly walking away from that mirror, we can't help looking over our shoulders.
You are so, so right about this!!! So well put, thank you! Even if we consciously choose to walk away from that cracked mirror, there’s a certain level of acceptance we should have that we might still think about it and might still want to get a glimpse of ourselves in it (and, you know, I think that’s okay bc it’s so so human)
As someone who keeps referring to that exact scene in fleabag to explain my current mental state, this was a delightful read and had me feeling a little less alone
Ok omg thank you so much for getting the vision… literally think about that monologue all the time (clearly) and tbh it was the catalyst for this whole essay lol
May we all have freedom of choice and an intuitive clarity that has nothing to do with being chosen
Yes - those two things are universal and genderless wants for sure!!! Fingers crossed for us all
I only found you today but I adore your writing style! I am glad to be able to read your works! This was a great read! I hope you have a nice day/ evening
Omg thank you so so much!!! I am so glad you enjoy my writing and that you liked this piece, I hope you have a lovely day too!! X x
This was a phenominal article! I found especially the idea with the interview incredibly interesting. In combination with your writing style, it was so refreshing!
This is fascinating, because the men are not that far off and the women themselves don’t know but it jumps off the page to me-
To be validated as a person. To be identified with more than their parts.
In other words, take “Rachel.”
She does want everything you have said and more. But at the core of it all, at the gooey center that very few people see-
Rachel wants somebody who wants RACHEL.
She doesn’t want a man to love pieces of her.
“Why do you love me, baby?”
Not because you’re pretty.
Not because you’re sexy.
Not because you’re easy.
Not because you’re too much.
Not because you’re kinky.
Not because you’re a good mom.
Not because you’re a dominatrix.
Not because you are good at crafts..
I want you because YOU Rachel, the whole of you is everything I could ever dream of, and the whole of you, all of you, is precious.
Now we have to live that claim out every day by presence. By patience. By gentleness. By listening. Sometimes by giving you what you need and not what you want. By leading. By playing. By showing in every interaction with you we are not dealing with pieces of a woman or aspects of a woman or ideals of a woman, but THIS woman is the one I love!
Validation. Recognition. Acceptance. Freedom.
And it can only all come together through a relationship in which there is mutual trust and hearts poured out into one another in word and action.
Validation. That’s what I see.